When trying is hard ...

It's been a rough couple of weeks. The greatest sorrow was the loss of a great member of our running community to a running accident. Our friend Jim was hit by a car while out on a run on Monday, November 4, shortly after it got dark.

He was probably absorbed in his workout, like so many of us are every day, and he crossed against the light at a major intersection. On any given day, we have all done it, and we've been lucky: no cars were barreling down the road. It so happened that on that evening Jim's mistake led to a tragic ending.

I can only imagine the grief of his family, but I know he will be missed at all the events in which he regularly appeared, as both a fierce competitor and a great encourager of other runners.  He will be missed.

Meanwhile, PA school goes on, but right now it seems especially hard. No, it's not the course material. It's the experience of displacement and loneliness. I guess I never quite looked at myself as a student as I must look to my fellow students, most of whom are in their 20s and early 30s. I am 20 years older than they are. I don't share their out-of-school interests, I have experienced many of the things they look forward to (finding a partner, setting up a household, getting married, getting a first job, etc.).

There are a couple of women who are closer to my age, but for some reason (arrogance? vanity?) I don't really hang out with them, even though they are smart, accomplished women. But why? Maybe it is because they too look lost and marginal, daunted by the task of starting a new career in midlife.  Maybe because they remind me that I am NOT in my twenties, that I don't have the boundless horizons of time that my other classmates contemplate. And this fact somehow makes me sad, and therefore I try to ignore it.

Instead I long to fit in with the "cool kids." How embarrassing to admit this at 44, but I do.  Can you forgive me? I want to spend time with the lively, energetic people who seem to take the lead in the class. Can you blame me??

For some reason in the past couple of days I feel as thought I am being a bit shunned, ignored. I wonder whether it is just my recurrent fear of abandonment, or whether my Facebook post in favor of Obamacare has turned off my probably conservative fellow students.  Either way, they do not seem like good reasons to feel down, but I do. 

Meanwhile, I have had little time or inclination to work out. It has gotten really cold, and the wind is driving me crazy. I guess I am having trouble readjusting to what is really Michigan's weather for the largest part of the year: cold, blustery, grey. 

Ok, anything else to complain about? No, I think I am done for now. 
Have a good one.

Tri-ing not to let FB bring me down ...

I sometimes ask myself why I don't write more on Facebook. The usual reasons, I am sure: no time, little interest, and a general fear of looking dumb. So many people do.

But I still "lurk" on FB; I keep up with other people's posts, especially friends and acquaintances. But I am not sure why I do that either.  Most of the time I end up feeling like everyone has a more exciting, eventful, vibrant existence than I do. Parties, dinners, travel, races, workouts, children, pets, encounters with celebrities.

Of course, I am envious. Especially lately, when it seems that I am spending most of my weekends in a windowless room with my formaldehyde soaked buddies, or in front of yet another set of infectious diseases/pharmacology notes/pressure-volume loops (yeah, fellow PA-students, you know what those are!).

So, should I stop looking at FB? I tried, and it was not that hard (not like I could not use the time to do something else...), but I end up missing out on even more social events, and I don't attend the few gatherings that actually do fit into my crazy schedule.  Then I REALLY feel stupid.

I know, First World Problems!! Couldn't agree more. Maybe whenever I think of checking FB I should instead turn to Pema Chodron's book.  That would do my spirit some good!

Hang in there, Simona. There will be other weekends to play.