It looks like I made it this far: six months of clinical rotations done and five more to go. I can't believe I will graduate from PA school in December. I can't wait.
It's been a long journey, even though now it seems to have gone really fast. It was harder than I thought it would be, and it still is. The amount of medical knowledge required is daunting, though it is really rewarding to encounter those moments when things "click": I know what is going on here and I think I am prepared to do what needs to be done. Yesss!! I can do this!!
But those are interspersed with moments of choking panic, when I realize I am utterly baffled, I can't fathom what these symptoms might mean, or I know what the disease might be, but I am uncertain how to proceed: this drug or that? or both? and how much? how often? am I overlooking contraindications? side effects? should I refer? I know that I can rely on my supervising physician and more experienced PAs for advice, for guidance. But the feeling of not being in control is a tough one to live with, especially for those of us who are Type A control nuts.
And then there is the fact that my schedule is completely out of my control. I have to travel about one hour each way to Muskegon for one more month. I have been told my hours are flexible, but who knows what that means...can I come in at 9am so I can swim first? Can I leave at 4pm on Thursday, so I can make my bike ride? It seems silly and petty, but my mental health depends on these things. This past month, during my surgery rotation, I was not able to work out for sometimes two or three days at a time. That had not happened in years, and it did take a toll.
Though I have been on vacation since last Friday, I am fighting off the ugly beast of depression for days. I can't seem to shake it, though every time I can work out it gets a bit lighter, its grip less determined. If I could start running again I might be able to knock it off my shoulders, but my hamstring is still uncertain, and I don't want to do damage that will limit my workouts even more.
So I try to hang in there. I try to talk myself out of a pit, to climb out one step at a time, to not let go of the holds and surrender. Would it be better if I did? Would I find there is light at the bottom and an escape hatch to the side of the mountain (remember "Touching the Void"?)?
