Bad week, good ride

This was a tough week. I have been so busy that I barely have time to eat and sleep. When that happens, I sometimes lose perspective. I might say things I regret. Access to e-mail does not help.

Thankfully, I have learned to acknowledge my errors, apologize to anyone who might have been caught in the crossfire of my frustrations, and try to move on. But it is not easy. It does not help that I tend to be a worrier, and I ruminate over things said and done until I have constructed a whole imaginary world in my mind, one in which my life seems filled with angst and disappointment, a life that would be unrecognizable to anyone outside my head.

But then I have one brilliant idea: go for a bike ride. It is not really a stroke of genius: it's on my training schedule, but it would not be hard to skip it, to say I have been too busy, too tired, too worn. Instead I just go. A long, hilly ride on my road bike on a windy day. Alone. I know it will be tough at times. I know I'll want to quit. Instead, I make a pact: don't quit, but don't make yourself miserable either. Go as fast as you want, just don't turn around before you have been on the saddle an hour.

And the I do it: I don't quit. I start riding by feel instead of wattage, and I focus on keeping the pedal stroke even, the tension on every part of that circle. I don't push the pace, but I try to keep a steady effort. And before I know it, I am so absorbed by the ride, my other worries could not keep up. Instead I start noticing unexpected scent of precocious lilacs, the coolness of the air, the strength of my legs on the steeper sections.

It was a good ride, an unexpected gift. I went longer than I was supposed to, because I was so surprised that calm and gratitude had displaced anxiety and grief. And now I am tired, a good kind of tired, and I am ready to tackle next week. Another whirlwind: taxes, classes, labs, dog care, running, teaching, hospital hours, read student papers, swimming, more classes and more teaching, meetings, biking, honors graduation, running, finish a paper, swimming and trying to see my husband at least once a day, in the midst of this craziness. But I know I can do it, as long as I can keep a steady pace, keep an eye on the road, be ready for wind gusts, and don't forget to smell the lilacs.

Do you ever find yourself doing/saying things you regret because you have lost perspective? How do you regain your balance?